2DiVE4 Maldives 07 Liveaboard Trip Report
by Laurie Boost

The Spirit Of Diving
(An Alternative Trip Report)
Starring

The Lord of Cambridgeshire – Henry Audley-Charles
Canadian Socialite – Tara Strachan
Ships Ghost – Laurie Boost
Champion Pigeon Racer  – Simon Worrell
The Muscle – Austen
The Silver Fox – Keith Thompson
Uncle Albert – Pete Skyrme
The (Multi) Masked Woman – Anne
The Sleepwalker – Jenny Barnes
Bikini Clad Card Sharp – Sarah Bullman
The Blond Temptress – Suzzanne
The Videographer – Nikki Boost

Satellite delay.........

A trip to relish was about to begin and no one was sure what to expect from the following 7 days aboard MV Sea Spirit, a Maldivian dive vessel which was to be home to 12 different people from very different backgrounds.
 
Lord Audley-Charles had spent most of the morning checking that Smithers had performed his duties and packed everything, including the monogrammed handkerchiefs Mummy & Daddy had given him for Christmas.

Tara had been worrying whether 1000 gigabytes was going to be enough storage capacity for her photography needs, but in the end decided that a main frame computer with a satellite up link would be the best option.

Simon had spent the previous evening checking the Lidls website to see if there were any last minute bargains to be had, while Anne was busy in the bath trying on her eight masks to find the best fit.

Austen had foregone the option of transport to the Airport preferring to jog the 20 or so miles to terminal 4 Heathrow.
 
Sally had fussed around Keith all morning, making sure everything was in order:
Hearing aid – Check
Sanatagen – Check
Denture fix – Check
Sterident – Check
Bananarama CD – Check

Pete had a sleepless night worrying whether he could recall all of his social etiquette skills he had learnt the Navy. 

Jenny had polished and packed her kit meticulously the previous night, making sure everything was in its right place.

Sarah was worried whether she had packed enough bikinis for the trip, but came to the conclusion that seven would be enough.  Only one decision remained, how many decks of  playing cards ?

Suzzanne had a restless night knowing that she would be sharing a cabin with a guy she had never met, known simply as “the muscle”.

Nikki was the lucky one as she had nothing to worry about.  Her partner Steve had taken care of it all, packing and organizing everything down to the finest detail.

I was already in the Maldives and was worrying that the boat would not have enough essentials for my impending week walking the decks.
Gordons, please let it be Gordons
What if there was no ice ?
Would the tonic be Schweppes ?
And sliced lemons, surely there would be lemons ?

Once the check in formalities had been done, and the wheelchair for Keith had been arranged, the unlikely group of divers did what most of us do when faced with a two hour wait at an airport terminal, eat, shop, drink.  Pete spent most of the time pushing Keith around, the pair bearing an uncanny resemblance to  Lou and Andy.  Lord Henry was of course dining at the caviar house under the watchful eye of his faithful man-servant Smithers.  Tara was in dixons buying more photographic equipment, while the others were perusing the other outlets for some tax free bargains.

The first I saw of them was about twelve or so hours later aboard the Dhoni in Male, this would be home to our dive kit for the following week.  Here we met our excellent hosts and guides for the week, David & Tracy.    We all kitted up and then a short trip to MV Sea Spirit, a traditional wooden Maldivian boat with six double/twin en suite cabins, large lounge area, open dining area and a spacious sun deck.  We were briefed by David & Tracy and then made our way to our cabins where I first met the now infamous cad and bounder, Lord Audley-Charles,  who, in no uncertain terms made it clear that he had never slept in a single bed and was not about to start roughing it now.  After some bowing and forelock tugging he did allow me the use of the wardrobe.  Through the thin cabin walls we could hear Pete moaning about the sing-along of “I'm your Venus” by his room mate, Tara worrying there were not enough sockets to charge all of her cameras and accessories, Suzzanne and Austen discussing the validity of the coin tossing that had decided the fate of which of them would have the double bed and Simon complaining to Anne that last year the MV  Mary Poppins had been far superior and “practically perfect in every way”.

For the next five days there were to be three dives a day at around 0700, 1100 & 1400, so a busy schedule with an early 0630 wake up call every morning.  Simon told us that on MV Mary Poppins the previous year, Lisa would appear at 0630 and wake them with song that filled the air with the dulcet tones of an angel, serving freshly baked muffins and home-made strawberry jam .  We on the Sea Spirit however were woken by a cheery “wakey-wakey” from Tracy, instant coffee, rich tea biscuits and the bass tones of Pete.

Although the visibility and currents sometimes made for challenging diving conditions, they could not detract from what was to be a fantastic weeks diving, with an endless variety of marine life (see 2dive4 gallery, or obtain video from Nikki, available September 2010).  We did have to keep reminding Lord Henry that it was not a hunt and therefore unnecessary to shout “Tally Ho !” on every entry, and that the bugle was way over the top.

Note : For a more detailed report on marine life and conditions for  individual dives please read the more comprehensive  title “Log Book of  Jenny Barnes” or the awaited “Official Trip Report” by Keith Thompson

As early as day one, invisible boundaries were to become apparent.  We had the post dive computer club in one corner, holding conversations that to the average technophobe sounded like a complete alien language.  The result, it has to be said, of this speaking in tongues, was a great many  outstanding photographs.  Then there was Nikkis corner. Eyes glued to the video editing software on her laptop,  headphones in and a look of concentration that a nuclear physicist would have been proud.  We had the sundeckers, the primary members being Anne, Austen, Keith and Sarah. Austen also a member of the afore mentioned computer club would effortlessly switch roles from geek to greek masseur, willingly loosening the muscles of those who required his services.  Unfortunately a lot of Annes time on deck was enforced due to being unable to dive because of ear ache, something I myself can sympathize with after a week with Simon. 

Meal times were a lavish affair, beginning with breakfast after the first dive of each day with  Pete unselfishly slotting into the role of chief toast maker.  Weather permitting, lunch and dinner were served at the open dining area on the bow of the boat, and usually consisted of an array of various Western and Asian dishes, excellently prepared and presented by the boats Sri Lankan chef.  For anyone who is wondering, the carrots were very nice.

In the evenings it was a case of making our own entertainment, with a little help from the drinks cabinet.  There would normally be a card school on one table, with Sarah painstakingly repeating the rules to each new player.  I still don't know what an 8 does.  Austen, when not playing cards, could often be found playing chess with the crew on the stern.  Pete would occasionally turn into Uncle Albert keeping us entertained with his Naval tales, with Keith falling asleep until the time when Pete would help him to bed.  Jenny would sometimes appear hours after going to bed for a midnight chat with whoever was up, although we were never sure that she was not still asleep and that to her this was no more than an elaborate dream.  After everyone had retired  I would be pacing the decks trying to find a suitable place to get my head down for the night, knowing that Lord Henry and Smithers were fast asleep in what should have been my cabin.

It was nearing the end of the trip when there were whispers that a romance was flourishing on board, and talk of wedding bells was in the air, but who were the lucky couple ?  We knew that the Dhoni captain only had eyes for Suzzanne, that Pete was quite smitten with Ibrahim and all the girls had a soft spot for Curley Mo.  It soon, however, became apparent that Tara and Lord Henry were soon to become  Lord & Lady Cambridgeshire.  Messages were sent back and forth between Lord Henry, his parents and Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth to seek approval for this, the social event of the year.  On the last night at the eleventh hour approval was given, although Prince Phillip was apparently not keen on the idea.  The event as it turned out was a very low key affair, with Simon giving a very brief best man speech and the finale being the cutting of the wedding cake by the blushing bride and groom to the sound of The Wedding March.  On that romantic starry night cries of hoorah echoed around every drawing room of every Stately Home across the United Kingdom, and high fives performed on every redwood veranda in Vancouver.

To sum things up, everyone had a great trip (including Simon who was presented with a momento from his beloved MV Mary Poppins), with fantastic diving, which was made all the better by the great company, excellent guides and outstanding crew on board.  We still never found that damned elusive Whale Shark that follows MV Mary Poppins everywhere.  I do recall though, a certain Hump Back gracing us with its rare presence, and snorkeling (well nearly) with Spinner Dolphins before they performed an acrobatic show for us all.  Oh and did I mention a few of us spotted the odd Manta Ray.

..........what satellite delay ?  
Thanks to all on board, Laurie “the ghost” Boost